my life ~ part 2

If you haven't read part one... see below and read it first.

So yeah. That's where we're at. We feel like we have no other choice than to walk away. I know we have a lot of questions. How does this all work? Can we just do foreclosure and no bankruptcy?What is our timeline? Can they take $ from our bank account? Taxes? Etc, etc. So many unanswered questions. Greg called them again yesterday and they offered little advice or help. Mainly continued to ask us for large sums of money, that we don't have, and if we send it within 5 days they "may" be able to help us out. "May" isn't good enough for me. I'm not about to find a way to send them 7 grand and have them say we may be able to help you. Nope. Sorry. I think I'd be handing them the $ and we'd still be in the same situation. So instead we are learning all we can about our options. Short sale, deed in lieu of foreclosure, foreclosure, etc. It is all so confusing and overwhelming.

I tend to be fairly optimistic. My outlook is this: Greg and I are good. My kids are healthy. Happy. Loved. Fed. Hugged. Young. They are resilient. Things could be much worse. I pretty much have the same feeling about all this as Misguided Mommy did in my comment section on "part 1." We haven't used credit cards since the end of 2006. I don't want to use credit cards. I think they are evil. (Capitalism at it's best... Micheal Moore for President! sorry, back to the topic here...) I have one car that is paid off with less than 60,000 miles on it and one with a loan still. We don't need a new car right now. We are honestly looking forward to the freedom of being a renter. Not being responsible for spendy repairs, lawn care, snow removal, etc. We honestly could not replace our roof if it needed replacing right now. There is no way we could afford it. There is so many possible expenses with being a homeowner.

This is also going to allow us to move to the town where Greg works. Where my family and friends live. It will be more convenient for our life. We live in a town with nothing. Nothing but the smell of cow shit, lots of Buick's (at least here that means old people driving them VERY slowly), relatives (everyone in this town of 90 is related to one another) and no rules. People park backwards on the wrong sides of the streets. They park in their yards. We live near a car repair shop that also works on racing cars... which results in engines revving at all hours of the day and night during the summer... when our windows are open and children are trying to sleep. We don't have a single store, post office or even a gas station. The nearest of all those is 7 miles away. We can get a loaf of moldy bread and day old milk down at the feed store though. Ugh. I'm not even sure why we moved here in the first place.

In other related news, I have been applying for jobs since January. Not something I really want to do... but something I have to do. I got a phone call last week with a job offer. After lots of talking and planning and crying we have decided that I am going back to work full time. This weighs SO HEAVY on my heart. I so badly want to be home with my children. (just typing that sentence makes the tears start flowing) I had pictured Ellie starting preschool next fall and me being able to take her and pick her up each day. Taking Cooper to the mommy/baby classes and to the library for story time. We have had loads of fun. I just don't want it to end. I planned to go back to work by the time they were both in school. Or maybe after our 3rd is in school. (If a 3rd baby happens) But this is just to soon.

I do have to say though that my new boss is absolutely wonderful. I already love her. When they offered me the job I told her I needed a few days to think it over and talk with Greg about it. When I called her back to say I'd take it I made it clear that my family was my priority. Our conversation lead to how many of the staff there have young children and how she understands they are my priority and that "this is just a job." That was music to my ears. I had to call her again Wednesday to ask if it was possible for me to adjust my hours by starting my day 30 minutes earlier and leaving 30 minutes earlier at the end of the day. Our daycare closes at 5:30 and I need to be there by then. At first I thought this might be to much to ask for someone just starting a new job. But she called me back and said they would like to accommodate me and will allow me to work 7:30-4:30. I was shocked. I told her she was making it very hard for me to say no. She replied, "that's what we're hoping!"

This is all so bittersweet for me. I have to be honest and say I am excited to get back to working. With adults. Having adult conversations. Keeping my mind busy. Learning. Using my knowledge. Working somewhere that appreciates their employees and is willing to be so accommodating. But I am also so sad. So, so sad to be leaving my little Cooper. Ellie will be great, she will do fine. She will be in school. She loves learning. She will have a blast. But Cooper just breaks my heart. I want to cuddle with him all day. I am going to miss them so much.

There are just so many changes going on in my life at one time and during a time when I don't think my hormones are quite back to normal. Loss of a home, starting a new job, moving, leaving my kids after FINALLY getting to stay home with them... it is just so much. I am so emotional. Yesterday I had the worst day I think I have ever had. I can't really say I've ever had much anxiety. But yesterday I think I came so close to actually having a full on anxiety attack. I just couldn't calm down. I was so out of my body watching the day go by. I couldn't concentrate. I was irritable. Impatient. Inconsolable. And so, so tired.

Why does life have to be so hard? I know this is our fault and there is no blaming anyone or anything else. But dang it it sucks.