time to get on with it

I want to have this baby now. I am tired of heartburn. Tired of being tired, uncomfortable and tired of having joint and back pain. Tired of worrying.

Can this happen at week 36? (I'll be there Wednesday)

Reality has set in. I'm scared. Scared of the pain of labor. Scared of the possibility of being home alone with Ellie (Greg works weird night shift work right now) when labor starts. Scared of severe tearing like I had with Ellie. (My perineal area must know what is coming and is preparing itself... because it is so swollen, sore and tender... it feels raw. This totally freaks me out). Scared of not getting there in time for an epidural and having to do it all on my own. Scared of pushing. Scared that I won't have the energy to push and get thru the labor... because I am so exhausted with trying to clean/prepare my house and baby stuff and chasing Ellie around every day. I think I'm more scared this time than last because I know what to expect... and although I did heal last time... it was a long road of bottom pain, sore nipples from breast feeding... etc, etc. I am just so scared of so many things. I want this to all be over!

I slept terrible last night. This must be affecting my emotional state today because I am just kinda weepy and want this baby out now. I want to get past all my worries and the pain and be home with my baby.

I have an appointment tomorrow... I am praying that I'm dilated to at least 3, 4 would be nice because I would feel like I'm more on my way to delivery... I have had on and off contractions throughout the last few days... nothing real steady. We will have an ultrasound tomorrow to check on the baby's position. Will also be tested for strep B.

Hope everything is good tomorrow... I'm ready to get on with it!